Friday, October 19, 2007
Here it is.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I
just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at a coffee house, but I had to
quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO, I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have a great day.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip.
You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.
They are the ones that care.
Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life.
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." ~ Charles Schultz
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
• If you eat cookies standing up, there are no calories.
• If you eat holiday cookies after the holidays, there are no calories.
• If you break a cookie in two and eat half now and half later, there are no calories.
• If you eat your child's leftover cookies, there are no calories.
• Cookies eaten in the middle of the night have no calories.
• Cookies eaten in the car have no calories.
• Cookies eaten off the floor with strict adherence to the five second rule, obviously, have no calories.
• Cookies taken out of the dog's mouth have no calories.
And, of course, there is the Cake Corollary:
• Cake eaten right off of the platter has no calories.
Monday, October 15, 2007
You have been named a charter member of The Society of Childlike Grownups
And You Are Hereby Entitled To:
Walk in the rain, JUMP in mud puddles, collect rainbows, shooting stars and fire flies.
Smell flowers, blow bubbles, stop along the way, build sandcastles, watch the moon and stars come out,
Say HELLO to everyone, go barefoot, go on adventures. Sing in the shower.
Have a Merry heart , read children's books, act silly, make faces in the mirror, take bubble baths, get new sneakers, hold hands & hug & kiss. Dance.
Fly Kites, play with balloons, laugh out loud and cry out loud, wander around, wonder (???) about stuff, Feel SCARED =:-o sad ;-( MAD @#$%! Happy, :-)
Give up worry & guilt & shame. Stay innocent. Say yes and no and the magic words, ask lots of questions.
Ride bicycles, roller-skate. Paint and draw with crayons using every color in the box, see things differently. Fall down and get up again.
Talk with animals, look at the sky, trust the universe, STAY UP LATE.
Dream of far away places and castles in the clouds.
Hop and skip for no reason. Don't step on cracks and try to stay on the same color tiles
when walking in the mall.
Climb trees, take naps, do nothing, daydream.
Play with toys, play under the covers, have pillow fights, learn new stuff.
Get excited about EVERYTHING, be a clown, listen to music, find out how things work.
Make up new rules, tell stories, save the world, make friends.
And do anything that brings more: happiness, celebration, relaxation, communication, health, love, joy, creativity, pleasure, abundance, grace, self-esteem, courage, balance, spontaneity, passion, peace, beauty, and life energy to all humans and beings of this planet.
FURTHERMORE, the above named member is officially authorized to frequent forests, playgrounds, picnic areas, summer areas, summer camps, birthday parties, circuses, bakeries, ice cream parlors, theaters, aquariums, zoos, museums, planetariums, toy stores, festivals, and other places where children of all ages gather to play AND is encouraged to always remember the motto of our society.
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."
"Ain’t no man can avoid being born average, but there ain’t no man got to be common."
"I never threw an illegal pitch. The trouble is, once in a while I would toss one that ain’t never been seen by this generation."
"Just take the ball and throw it where you want to. Throw strikes. Home plate don’t move."
"They said I was the greatest pitcher they ever saw…I couldn’t understand why they couldn’t give me no justice."
"Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you." "Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines."
"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"
"Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money."
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching."
"You win a few, you lose a few. Some get rained out. But you got to dress for all of them."
"My pitching philosophy is simple; you gotta keep the ball off the fat part of the bat."
"I never had a job. I always played baseball."
"Mother always told me, if you tell a lie, always rehearse it. If it don't sound good to you, it won't sound good to no one else."
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
A church bulletin had a clever poem about criticism that began:
A little seed lay in the ground
And soon began to sprout;
"Now, which of all the flowers around,
Shall I," it mused, "come out?"
The seed could then be heard saying, "I don't care to be a rose. It has thorns. I have no desire to be a lily. It's too colorless. And I certainly wouldn't want to be a violet. It's too small, and it grows too close to the ground."
The poem concludes with this verse about that faultfinding seed:
And so it criticized each flower,
That supercilious seed,
Until it woke one summer hour
And found itself a weed!
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! To anyone with kids of any age, or anyone who has ever been a kid, here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did NOT learn in school. He talks about how feel-good-politically-correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it.
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone, until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.